Thursday, June 30, 2011

Kustom Karriers, Kansas

When you don't want to use "Two Guys In White Hoods And A Truck" or "Grand Wizard Moving And Storage", give the nice folks at Kustom Karriers, Kansas a call.

Unless you're black. Or Jewish. And just to be safe, Catholic. Or any minority.

Monthly Grift: Family Bible Grift 2.0

The modern grifter faces an ever-changing landscape of challenges and opportunities. Yesterday's "Spanish Gold-Grab" is today's "Nigerian Prince Flam". The old "Glass Eye Scam" was nothing but a precursor for the "Organ Bank Liver Pig-in-a-Poke". Even as we recognize this fact, nostalgia will often compel the most conservative and successful grifter to prolong the use of a favorite, increasingly out-dated, grift.

For example, take the classic "Family Bible" grift we previously highlighted in Monthly Grift (July, 1978). The grift was summarized as follows:

Grift Synopsis: Scan latest obituary pages for recent deaths, and most importantly, surviving relatives. Pay particular attention to potential marks who have planned religious services. Several days after funeral, dressed in appropriate "delivery man attire", approach mark in the home. Explain to the mark that you are delivering a gold-engraved family bible on which the deceased placed a $100.00 down payment, one week prior to death. Show appropriate sympathy, and explain the total cost to be $250.00 (or $150.00 owed, minus the down payment). Price can range upward or downward, depending on the home and expected resources of the mark (...)

Results: Marks have shown a strong desire to receive the "final gift" from their deceased relatives, given its perceived sentimental value. Many will gladly pay remain "fee".
Elegant in its simplicity, the "Family Bible" grift evokes a simpler, more personal era of grifting, when marks were both God-fearing and unlikely to ask for a sales receipt. A bunko artist needed nothing more than a recent obituary page from the local daily, a box of bulk bibles, a gold marker, and his shining (empathetic) smile.

But, the practice of purchasing family bibles has waned in many parts of the country. Worse yet, secular humanist are seemingly everywhere: university campuses, upscale-residential urban areas, independently owned coffee shops/book stores. Does this mean the "Family Bible" grift is going extinct? Not if you plan carefully and change your mark.

Family Bible Grift 2.0: Grifting the Secular Humanist

Secular Humanist
What You'll Need: A bulk box of Richard Dawkins' The Blind Watchmaker and The Selfish Gene.

It goes without saying that grifting a secular humanist with a variation of the "Family Bible" grift will present numerous difficulties. (Remember! If grifting was easy, everyone would be doing it!). The primary difficulty will be a scarcity of obituaries reading, in essence, "No service will be held, as the deceased was a secular humanist who disdained all religious services." While few obituaries will be this explicit, look for codes such as "in lieu of flowers, please send a donation to the ACLU" or "following cremation, his ashes will be spread on his/her favorite bike trail." Keep a keen eye, and in no time you'll be spotting the secular humanist mark.

Once the mark is spotted, feel free to run your "Family Bible" script, with perhaps the following alterations:

(knocking on door)
GRIFTER: Why, hello sir! I'm from Acme delivery. I'm here to make a delivery for a Rose Smith.
MARK: (uncomfortable) That was my Aunt, she died last week.
GRIFTER: Oh... I am so sorry. I couldn't have known. Just doing my job, delivering this lovely, gold-embossed edition of The Blind Watchmaker. The departed Mrs. Smith made a down payment last week of $100.00, the remaining $150.00 being C.O.D. I guess she intended this to be the Family The Blind Watchmaker, I see several family names mentioned in the beautiful engraving on the title page.
MARK: (manifesting an emotion-like reaction) Well, that seems very generous of her.
GRIFTER: Very generous, indeed. This is such a lovely family home, I can't imagine it without it's own Family The Blind Watchmaker.
MARK: Well, I have a copy I bought...
GRIFTER: Yes sir, I never even met your Aunt, but it breaks my heart... thinking that right now she's not looking down from nowhere, completely unconscious of the thought that her last, not-sacred gift to her family won't be delivered for just a few dollars...
MARK: (uncomfortable) O.K., I guess we could just square this up and get you moving along. How much did you say she owed?
GRIFTER: (looking again at large house) Just $200.00! Plus, a $14.00 sales tax. And well worth every penny if you ask me!
MARK: (reaching for wallet) I wasn't particularly close with my...
GRIFTER: Yessiree! Your Aunt would be so happy if she existed in any form right now. She must be up/down in nowhere with a big smile on her face!

As you can see, the grift plays itself out naturally, and little deviation from the Family Bible script is needed.

But, don't limit yourself to grifting the mildly, rationally grieving secular humanist! Graduate students and men in black turtlenecks are also ripe for grifting. Approaching the mark at an independent coffee shop/book store will often play out as follows...

GRIFTER: Aw man, it's so nice to have a coffee/buy a book at a locally owned business like this, and not at Starcrap/Barnes & Nobodies... am I right!?
MARK: You sure are! You know, I can tell by your thick black-rimmed glasses and that copy of Albert Camus' The Stranger under your arm that we have a lot in common!
GRIFTER: What? Oh, this old thing... Yeah, it's pretty special to me. It's a first-edition copy, signed with a written note to Sartre, giving him a list of driving safety tips.
MARK: Wow! That's amazing!
GRIFTER: Yeah, pretty ironic too, I guess. Anyways, my friend Marcel shipped it to me, C.O.D., and I had to spend all my money just to get it from the post office. International shipping fees, and such. Now, I don't have the money to buy tickets for Christopher Hitchens' lecture next week! Oh, if I just had my $200.00, and $14.00 in international sales taxes, I wouldn't be in this predicament!!!

The grift proceeds naturally from here. (NOTE: In this example, make sure your "note" from Camus to Sartre is written in French, as a note written in English will create suspicion in some graduate student/black turtleneck secular humanists.)

The Family Bible grift is not dead. It can still thrive in many parts of the country outside of the deep South. And it even works with secular humanist, as long as you know your mark and stick to your script.

Get griftin'!

Monday, June 27, 2011

Hey, Richard Simmons! Yoplait Thinks You're Fucking Tripping Balls On PCP.

Craving some key lime pie in the desert isle?

Well don't. Otherwise, you could face an unwelcome appearance from Richard Simmons, fucking tripping balls on PCP.

Apparently, the sensation of drowning is a major side effect of long-term PCP use. But, as long as it discourages you from even mentioning desert treats out loud, Yoplait is willing to inflict the damage on Richard Simmons' physical and mental health.

That's right, Yoplait is so tired of you being fat, Yoplait is going to pump Richard Simmons full of Angel Dust, and release him in your local supermarket. Yoplait thinks this is your fault.

Are you crying again? You know what Yoplait thinks about that.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Friday, June 24, 2011

Pricing In Beaver County

1/2 hour= 10 cents
1 hour= 25 cents
2 hours= $1.00*
4 hours= $3.00*
8 hours= $10.00*
All Day Pass= $50.00* (unless you go back every few hours to put dimes in the meter, in which case 24 hours = $4.80)

(* denotes estimated projection)

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Two Disgusting Furries Bother Locals

It's June in Pittsburgh, and that can only mean one thing.


And while the convention formally began today, the so-called "furries" are already into full-swing, bothering and disgusting local residents.

Take for instance this supposedly innocent "couple". Consisting of a "husband" penguin and a "wife" neon-green bird (her gender made clear by the thick, red lipstick on her "beak"), they have been spotted throughout Pittsburgh in the days leading up to the Anthrocon convention, pinching noses, twisting beaks, gyrating their pelvises, and placing the heads of children in their mouths.

I consider myself a tolerant person, but how much do we really need to tolerate as a society before we stop and say, "this is too much!" Consenting adults should be free to do as they like in private. But, when their bizarre sexual peccadilloes spill into our streets, our restaurants, and even our ballparks, I'm comfortable saying, "too much."

These furries may pour hundreds of thousands of dollars into our economy, but at what cost? Sure, they stay in our hotels, but is a weekend of no-vacancy worth defiled rooms, with "Mrs. Bird" defecating on a newspaper in the Westin? Is it worth "Mr. Penguin" and his open back-hatch wandering through the Marriott lobby? How does this reflect on our city? What does a legitimate traveling family think of Pittsburgh when a woman in a bird suit, as filthy as any street vagrant, places their child's head in it's foul, stained "beak"? I strongly doubt they will make another trip to our fair city.

Live and let live, I suppose. And I comfort myself in knowing this will all wrap-up by Sunday. But, in the meantime, I say, "No thank you, Mrs. Bird... I do NOT want a hot dog from your air-cannon."

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Hey, 125 lb. Ladies! Yoplait Thinks You Look Fat.

Hey, 125 lb. ladies!

How many times have you gone into the kitchenette at work, opened up the fridge, and next thing you know, you're confronted with the most immaculate, perfectly decorated, raspberry cheesecake?

Of course, you start reciting the math in your head, calculating the most recent international celery-to-cheesecake exchange ratio (one large slice equaling eight celery sticks, as of the filming of this commercial). You pause to briefly consider jogging in place, because you always maintain levity, even in a crisis. And hey, you've been good today. You deserve it. Having done your due diligence, this looks like it's going to happen. Cheesecake it is!

But, hold on just a second! Because here comes a sinewy neck, two sunken-cheekbones, some pulled back hair, and a couple earrings. This changes everything, and the previous five seconds of deliberation go right out the window. Hey, you have to compliment the woman with the Shawn Bradley-frame for the ability to avoid going into heat over an office cheesecake. Give her due, and follow her lead. Grab a Yoplait.

Anyways, it's all Yoplait's subtle way of saying, you look kinda fat. Yoplait thinks you should give one of its 30 flavors at around 100 calories a try.

Yoplait agrees we have all put on a few pounds, but are we just giving up?

Yoplait is tired of you wanting to change your look every two weeks, and running out to buy a pair of Sarah Palin glasses.

Yoplait thinks you complain about your Mom so much, but you're really alot more like her than you think.

Hey, wait, come back! I'm sorry, that came out the wrong way. Yoplait wants to apologize. Oh, now you're crying, just because of one commercial and one innocent comment...

Yoplait thinks you should stop crying, because you look so ugly when you cry.....